We all have our calling. Sometimes it manifests itself through a profession or a career, othertimes it is merely a hobby only enjoyed by ourselves and the select few people with whom we share it. Nonetheless, many spend most of their lives in the pursuit of finding exactly what it is that makes them tick.
I myself, in my short time of navigating what is the broad field of adult life, have changed roads many times. I've pictured myself in so many different uniforms and workplaces, even I can hardly keep track of it all. I've pushed the limits of what is acceptable for a person to do before people finally say, "What the fuck are you doing with your life?", and I've pursued things that in most poeple's minds were probably a bad bet. In fact, I've made so many poor wagers with my life that I can honestly say I'm fairly comfortable being in a situation that has very little hope of ever coming through. But that's who I am, and I am mostly positive that I'll spend the rest of my life chasing ideas that most poeple would push the side as idle fantasies.
The fact is, our lives change as we chase them. For people who find it odd for me to view life as something to 'chase', I in turn question their motivations. Who wouldn't want to wake up with something to do? And by something to do, I dont mean your laundry list, I mean a real solid pursuit that day in, day out, requires your constant attention to what you are doing to better your situation and ability to achieve it. It can be as large as how you're going to make sure the business you are building from scratch can find the air to breathe and succeed, to staying up til 3 in the morning grading papers and lesson plannin, as my mom is prone to do.
I look back at my past pursuits and lament that I never gave them the time that they deserved, for in all actuallity, all of my "callings" have most times been little more than whimsical plans that required ideal, to perfect situations and circumstances. But when I look at my daily "laundry lists" now, I think back to what I could have accomplished if I had the same drive before as I do now. Although, I think in many ways, back then, those ideas were what they were: fantasies...and where I am now, is a reality...and a realization of myself.
I'm where I want to be. I know that now. The past few months have been somewhat of a struggle for me. Away from work, when talking to a friend or family, in between my periods of gushing to them about how rewarding my job was, how hopeful I was for what was to come...I was greatly disturbed by a lack of intrinsic motivation. A year is a long time to spend in flux. Constantly assaulted, constantly challenged (at times in a completely unsalvagable situation, but in retrospect, they were geared to be so), and constantly asked, "Are you really meant to be here?"
That's a hard question to ask yourself, and I belive, that when someone is to truly take on their motivations and goals...when we trulyIn short...I was fed up, and fucking tired of constantly wondering what the hell my purpose in life was. I needed a challenge...I needed something to do. Well, needless to say, I found it. It's been a road of extreme highs, and even lower lows. Regardless, for every great milestone I passed, in the end, after it sank in and dissapeared to what was to come next, I would inevitably end up struggling for motivation. Waking up became a chore, doing the little things felt nearly backbreaking in getting them done. I came to see this pursuit as little more than a job...and while it beat the hell out of any job I'd ever had before...it was still a job. And guess what...jobs suck.
Then things progressed to the land of "Shit's not gonna hit the fan anymore, so relax and learn"...and still I struggled. My days were easier than they'd been in almost two years, and all I did was complain. It wasn't mindless bitching, but it was sure as hell not the kind of talk I needed to be putting out. What made it worse, was that I was waking up every day telling myself...you're going to do better today, you're going to leave this pussy ass attitude behind. But I just couldnt shake it. If it involved my own personal pursuits, my small couple hours of alone time to work out and get after it the way I wanted to, I welcomed it with open arms. The second I felt that someone was infringing on my freetime, I'd lose my temper. To the point where things as little as Gena checking up on me, making sure I was taking care of the things we drastically needed to do...I'd lose it again, and try to fall away.
I fell into old habits, albeit, with a little up to date tempering. I'd get home, do everything that I needed to do for immediate future, and set about to getting myself drunk. It's easier being drunk, at least for me. Not in a alchoholic mindset, just in a...let the world slip away, and I'll worry about myself for a while. In short, I was starting to question myself. Was I really where I had wanted to be? I thought it would be different...and it just wasn't. I've been miles away from all of the stable things in my life....Gena...my dog...my family...my close friends. I climbed the mountain, only to find that on the other side...there was no true release, no sense of accomplishment...no nothing. Just a pat on the back that was expected, but I never got a chance to stop and take it all in.
Well, I've done it. Whether it was the plane ride, being surrounded by white capped mountains, being back in cold weather that feels like home (and Christmas), my ability to finally look at the guys next to me as future teammates, brothers in arms, guys I'd give my life for, and without thought, trust them to guard it in turn...it's come down to the broader perspective of things to fall down on me. I'm finally seeing the purpose of it all.
I can say that twenty four hours ago, I was sitting in 30 degree water, up to my neck, waiting for my buddy to give me the OK. Watching the shoreline, looking for movement, trying to be as small as possible...and then ascending up the beach, searching for the closest patch of shrubbery or cover. Then, with my buddy watching my back, weaving in and out of trees, working my way around buildings, and once satisfied, returning to the surf....meeting the guy in charge and having him ask me, "We good?"
"Oh, we're golden." I replied with a smile.
I've found a purpose. A calling? Maybe. I still secretly hope my 'calling' may be writing books that blow peoples minds wide open. But, when I look back at my life, at the ideals I've held since childhood, I have to admit...that if this isn't my calling...it's at the very least, a huge realization of what I was made to do.
I love being here...and I love my job. I love the constant pursuit of perfection, and I love that I'm allowed to bitch now and again about it, and still get the job done. This job drives me and fuels me, even when I'm at my lowest motivation level. It's intoxicating, and to make it worse, the guys who are in charge of transfering one generation's knowledge down to mine...they're the coolest sons of bitches on the planet...and they make it impossible not to get obsessive over it.
It's opened my eyes, and changed my perspectives on alot of things. I used to think that people who didn't pursue the most 'out there' goals and professions were just lazy, or uncreative. Now, I've come to realize that everything, no matter what you do...if you're getting paid for it, eventually, it's just gonna be a job. But no matter what your job is...be good at it. That's what I've decided. Find your calling...find what makes you tick...and pursue it. Settling is never an option. That's what people do when they don't have the imagination that is required to be great.
You can spend your life bitching about what the poeple above you make you do...or you can constantly push to become one of those people, and change the system. Everything can be improved, everything can be sharpened to near perfection. Find what you are passionate about...and put every ounce of effort you have into it. From my own experience, when you do that, even if you don't achieve the level you were going for, you're going to find what you're looking for.
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